(What it looks like when I write a blog)
1. Sleeping on a couch vs. Sleeping in a bed
Perhaps if you've never been a parent, you may have never even slept on a couch at all excluding the occasional nap on a lazy Sunday. You may wonder what would possess anyone to sleep on a couch when a luxurious king-size bed with down comforter and forty pillows await you every night. Well when you have a finicky baby who shares your room, and who wakes up at the slightest creak of the floor, you too may find yourself choosing your IKEA couch instead of your comfy bed. In addition, sometimes (all the time for me) when you are a parent of young children, these things cannot be helped. I fall asleep whenever I happen to stop moving, which usually happens in the neighborhood of the couch. So now you know parents sometimes choose a couch over a bed, but now you may wonder at the distinction between the two. When you sleep in a bed, life makes sense. If you wake up during the night, you will feel your covers and your squishy pillow and know that all is well, and back to sleep you go. Such is not the case when sleeping on a couch. Most likely you'll find yourself waking up from a sleep you had no consent in starting. You are paralyzed. You feel like a floating head. Where are you? Who are you? Are you dead? No, can't be. Your empty icecream bowl is still within sight. Surely the afterlife would not have last night's dirty dishes. Now what? Is it even possible to move? And how did that episode of Scrubs end? Guess you'll never know. Now if you're brave you can crawl into your bedroom and lie awake for awhile sorting out the confusion, or you can just ride out the night on the couch.
2. Running errands vs. Going on a date
"What??!! How do these two things even relate at all?"~You.
Oh... you must not be a parent yet. Ok, I'll let you down gently. Your idea of a date may consist of a lovely quiet candlelit dinner, or a movie, or an energetic evening at your local swing dance joint. Now don't get me wrong, these kinds of dates do still exist in parent land, but usually not unless it's a big anniversary year. If you don't happen to have a child under 1 1/2. So you might have to be a bit creative, or seize whatever opportunities arise. In general the rule is, if there are no kids present, it's a date. Trips to Target to get diapers while kids are at Grandma's? Yep, date. Babysitter takes the kids for a walk while you sort through your ballooning storage closet? Oh yes, that's a great date. There's nothing more relaxing and romantic than sorting through old highschool books and tiny baby paraphernalia while wearing flannel pajama pants and t-shirts on a Saturday morning.
3. Child hitting you vs. Child patting you
Let me tell you, they feel the same, so you can't distinguish between them based on that. And don't go by the child's facial expression either because they often delight in giving you a good wallop. The distinction lies in the location of the blow. In general, when patting someone, you don't usually give them a forceful "pat" in the neighborhood of the nose, or eyes. You can be pretty sure that any forceful touch of the face or jugular is a hit. Pats tend to appear on the back or shoulder, or the occasional thigh. (Especially if the hand is food-covered and your jeans are freshly laundered.)
4. Going Potty
This is a term for the potty training toddler. Perhaps no distinction looks necessary. But I'll just warn you: "Going Potty" does not necessarily include either of those words. Your toddler may go to the potty and sit there for hours without going at all. In addition said child may go potty in the bathroom without actually landing it in the potty. Just be prepared.
5. Bathtub farts vs. Bathtub poops
One is hilarious. One is not.
Ok friends, thanks for reading and studying up on these handy distinctions. I hope my lessons have educated the young parents or non-parents, and that all veteran parents can share a tearful, pained chuckle.
~MommyMoo
