The Silent Flu

It has been at least two days since anyone has announced on facebook that they are expecting a baby. This does not mean that there aren't any new buns currently toasting in ovens, but rather that there is a new wave of women suffering from The Silent Flu.

Have you ever had the flu? Yeah, it sucks. Sometimes it lasts for 3, 4, maybe even 5 excruciating days. Flu sufferers might crawl into their beds and feebly update their facebook status: "I'm so sick, I can barely tell you how miserable I am... but I will, and I will turn it into a long status encouraging friends to type weepy faces on my wall and send chicken soup." Aw, how nice for them to get such an outpouring of support! Sure they will have to stay home from work or school and watch Netflix nonstop for a few days, but they will suffer, and the world will feel so sorry for them.

But have you ever had The Silent Flu? It sucks MORE.  The Silent Flu is that horrible, nasty, no-good, 12 WEEK period of time where a woman who is expecting a baby basically has the flu, but here's the catch...can't tell anyone. Have you ever tried to hide the fact that you have the flu?? Let me just tell you a bit about how that works out...

#1. You don't get to call your boss and get out of work.  Oh sure, I think I got one day off work that I claimed was the flu, but you can't use the flu excuse every day for 12 weeks.  So rather than curl up in your bed for 5 days watching Netflix like regular flu sufferers, you must press on. You must face the daily grind. And since you are out in the world...

#2. You have to hide recent vomiting. I mean, can you imagine flu sufferers hiding the fact that nothing they ingest stays in their bodies? Oh no, they'll tell you about it.  Let me tell you, puke stinks. It's hard to hide.  A bit of fresh make-up can cover a little of the clammy "I-just-puked" face, but the breath is the biggest challenge. You have to attack it with both a thorough teeth-brushing as well as a hefty dose of Listerine. And yuck, the taste of all that minty-ness makes you feel really queasy...which brings us to our next point...

#3. You have to hide the fact that you are ABOUT to vomit. It's not easy walking around for 12 weeks with a disgusted look on your face.  For you, or the people that have to look at you.  I was pretty sure one Sunday, as I walked to the front of our church, that people could taste the cloud of ginger that surrounded me as I passed them by. And all that ginger still didn't quite dispel the feeling of nearly vomiting every time I stood up to sing a hymn.
     When going to friends' houses you have to carry hidden stashes of ginger in case something sets you off (it will). "Oh you just cleaned your house, and it smells so....fresh...." Quick, toss in a ginger candy. They offer you some refreshments. "Oh this is lovely, but you know, I actually prefer this little baggy of unsalted pretzel bits that I've been carrying in my purse for weeks."

#4. You have to hide your unearthly exhaustion.  Flu sufferers might get to cuddle up and sleep off their sicknesses for a few days with full sympathy, but Silent Flu sufferers would produce confused bystanders: "Sorry I can't go out to dinner with you at 6pm tomorrow, I'll be in bed..." So you have to go. You must go out and pretend you're not about to face-plant into your entree.  Your friend might say, "Wow, long day? Why don't you get a cup of coffee?" Just shut-up. Shut up about the coffee!

It is ridiculous to ask expecting women to hide these horrible symptoms.  And for what? In case they might sadly lose their baby? Wouldn't it make sense for people to know in case they do, and really need support from family and friends? Why must they suffer silently?

The flu season is upon us. Perhaps you will come down with the dreaded flu plague this year. Will you hide your misery?

Friday Night

I'm a young mother of two, and never have I felt more like a teenage boy in all my life.

In highschool, dances were what teenage girls lived for.  We claimed we had the worse deal, waiting and waiting for some boy to pick us out of the flock and ask us to the dance. The wait was excruciating and humiliating.  The boys claimed they had it worse.  The girls scoffed and thoroughly doubted anyone could be as miserable as we were.  Now, I'm not so sure.  You see, I think I might just know how those poor boys felt. No, I'm not asking teenage girls to dances, but I am asking them...to babysit.

This past year we moved from a town where I had my kids' grandparents just down the street.  All I had to do was mention the possibility of wanting to go out and I had a confirmed and willing babysitter in minutes.  Now, I've got to play the field.  I, like those poor, miserable teenage boys, have to choose one from the flock.

But how to choose? I can't ask someone I know someone else is already asking. That would go against The Code. I couldn't be friends with them anymore if I asked her before *they* got the chance.  But who else is there?  So many girls have already been asked!  I shouldn't have waited so long! Maybe I just won't go.  Next time I'm going to ask, like, 2 months ahead.

Ok, I'll try her.  No, that's stupid.  She's not going to want to babysit *my* kids.  She'd probably rather sit for someone else.  But my kids are awesome!  Any girl would be thrilled to babysit them.  I'll do it. I'll ask her.

My sweaty palms grasp the phone.  I start dialing. No wait, what was her number again?  I check a few more times. Ok got it. It's ringing!  Oh no, what if my phone drops the call? Stupid cell phone, I should just get a landline.  It's still ringing. I got this. Stay calm, stay cool.  What do I say? "Hello?" Oh shoot, it's one of her parents. Act like an adult. "Um...is insert teenage girl's name there?" Stupid, you forgot to say 'hello'!  "Hello? This is teenage girl." Act natural! "Hey...um, just wondering if you might be free Friday night..." "Sorry..."

No!!! She's already taken! Forget it. I'm not going out.  I don't want to go through the rejection again. No way.

But all my friends are going...I don't want to be the lame one at home on a Friday night.  I guess I'll call someone else.  *Repeat Above Conversation* What?? *She's* already taken too??! This can't be happening! Maybe no one actually asked them yet, they just didn't want to babysit *my* kids. Forget it. It's only a decade until they can babysit themselves.  I can wait that long to leave my house.

No, no. This is insane.  Maybe I'll ask this girl. I've never thought of her babysitting my kids before, but it might work out. *Repeat Above Conversation* "Wait, what?! You're FREE?! Wow, um, ok, great! Pick you up at 7?"

Hang up phone. Wow! What a relief! Would it be too forward to make her cookies and tea when she comes over? Yeah. That's too much.  Maybe I'll teach my kids to sing a song in her honor. No, no, don't want to scare her away. I've got a babysitter!!

Next day, talking with friends:
Friend #1: "Hey, are you going to the thing Friday night?"
Me: "Oh, me? Yeah...I've got teenage girl babysitting. No big deal."
Friend #1: "You got *her*? She's awesome! Like, seriously, the best."
Friend #2: "Aw...man...I still haven't asked anyone yet..."
Friend #1 and I share a knowing look.

Girls, the boys have it worse.  Oh, and is anyone free Friday? There's this thing I was wanting to go to...