How To Hide From Your Baby

See people? This is why you read my blog. You'll learn things that you never know you needed to know. So... hiding from a baby? That sounds a little ridiculous. Let me explain.

I found myself yesterday on my hands and knees behind my bed for about 10 minutes. It occurred to me that you should know how and why I found myself there.

We live in the unfortunate situation of having a one bedroom apartment with one bathroom off of that one bedroom. So anytime one needs to use the bathroom or take a shower while the baby is napping, one must get rather creative. Or on some days when I don't want to risk it, I don't pee until my husband comes home from work at the end of the day. Those are long days.

If we do decide to use the bathroom, there's a certain order of operations that we have to adhere to. Step one: cracking the bedroom door open and peeking to see if the baby is still asleep. If she stirs, ABORT! Any further noise on our part will send the baby into a screaming fit. Screaming fit=no more nap=no bathroom break=very long day.

Step two: tip-toe past the crib into the bathroom with no stirrings from baby. (N.B. Our apartment has hideously creaky old wooden floor boards. My husband asserts that a flat-foot creep actually does more to dissipate the creak, but something in my brain equates tip-toeing with silence, so I can't bring myself to use the, perhaps more successful, flat-foot approach.) If she stirs during step two, we have to dive behind our bed so she doesn't see us. (This is where I found myself yesterday.) If we stay on our hands and knees behind the bed until she falls back asleep, we can then continue on with step two. If we peek too soon to see if she's fallen asleep, it's over, and we have to wait until next nap to pee. Another hiding option is the T-Rex approach. If we can't make behind the bed fast enough, simply diving onto the bed, turning the face away from the crib and holding perfectly still will allow her to fall back asleep without much effort. (N.B. This works better in the evening when her senses are dulled.)

Step three: after a successful peeing, you MUST NOT flush! TMI I know, but the crib is on a shared wall with the bathroom, and you gotta do what you gotta do. (N.B. Courtesy dictates that once the baby has risen, the pee-er must dash into the bathroom and flush before the next visitor.)

Step four: the return trip. Similar to step two, but often the pee-er can dash out of the room and close the door with some baby stir-age and not wake her up. (N.B. Have you ever tried to close a door quickly but quietly? Here's a tip: stuff a cloth diaper between the door and the jam. Also useful on days when you have the windows open which causes the door to blow open and closed constantly. I actually spent a nap period on a breezy day sitting in a chair on my computer next to the door with one hand holding the door shut before I discovered the diaper trick.)

So there you have it. I honestly never thought I'd have to hide from my own child. There are things that no parenting book or doctor could ever prepare you for. I guess that's what I'm here for. Happy Hiding!

Baby Formula

Nope I'm not talking about the breastmilk alternative that stores have to keep in a locked case because it's so ridiculously expensive.

I'm talking about the formula that parents seek to find to achieve baby nirvana.

The sleep formula.

We as parents know that somewhere in the universe exists the perfect baby sleep formula and finding it is God's way of testing our parenting skills. The sleep formula is a set of factors that, when combined in a precise manner, will result in a perfect night's sleep.

Here's what I've learned: If baby has exactly two naps a day--no dozing in between, eats a breakfast of rice cereal and cheerios, a lunch of oatmeal and sweet potato and cheerios, a light dinner of sweet potato but not cereal, goes for a walk during the day that should not last more than half an hour, does not watch her parents' computers or the TV approximately 45 minutes before bed, gets her diaper changed before bed, has a story read during which she turns the pages and does not try to eat them, has a very brief nursing, a song sung to her that shall not exceed three verses, is laid on her back in bed even though ultimately she will turn herself onto her stomach where she will sleep better, and finally, if she is covered with her hand-crocheted blanket and not the thermal one, she will in fact sleep through the night undisturbed.

And in three days the formula will change.

Sometimes I feel like a scientist carefully executing an experiment, or a chef creating a new culinary masterpiece. But I bet scientists and chefs don't have to worry about a baby's late night fart destroying their progress.