Baby Formula

Nope I'm not talking about the breastmilk alternative that stores have to keep in a locked case because it's so ridiculously expensive.

I'm talking about the formula that parents seek to find to achieve baby nirvana.

The sleep formula.

We as parents know that somewhere in the universe exists the perfect baby sleep formula and finding it is God's way of testing our parenting skills. The sleep formula is a set of factors that, when combined in a precise manner, will result in a perfect night's sleep.

Here's what I've learned: If baby has exactly two naps a day--no dozing in between, eats a breakfast of rice cereal and cheerios, a lunch of oatmeal and sweet potato and cheerios, a light dinner of sweet potato but not cereal, goes for a walk during the day that should not last more than half an hour, does not watch her parents' computers or the TV approximately 45 minutes before bed, gets her diaper changed before bed, has a story read during which she turns the pages and does not try to eat them, has a very brief nursing, a song sung to her that shall not exceed three verses, is laid on her back in bed even though ultimately she will turn herself onto her stomach where she will sleep better, and finally, if she is covered with her hand-crocheted blanket and not the thermal one, she will in fact sleep through the night undisturbed.

And in three days the formula will change.

Sometimes I feel like a scientist carefully executing an experiment, or a chef creating a new culinary masterpiece. But I bet scientists and chefs don't have to worry about a baby's late night fart destroying their progress.