The Subtle Distinctions of Parenting

(What it looks like when I write a blog)

Today I'd like to explain some subtle distinctions that arise in parenting.  Newbie parents or non-parents might wonder at why such distinctions must be made.  One may wonder why some of these items would ever be compared at all. Perhaps one might see no relation, or no difference.  I'm going to tell you that these distinctions, for the public good, must be disclosed.

1.  Sleeping on a couch vs. Sleeping in a bed
Perhaps if you've never been a parent, you may have never even slept on a couch at all excluding the occasional nap on a lazy Sunday.  You may wonder what would possess anyone to sleep on a couch when a luxurious king-size bed with down comforter and forty pillows await you every night.  Well when you have a finicky baby who shares your room, and who wakes up at the slightest creak of the floor, you too may find yourself choosing your IKEA couch instead of your comfy bed.  In addition, sometimes (all the time for me) when you are a parent of young children, these things cannot be helped. I fall asleep whenever I happen to stop moving, which usually happens in the neighborhood of the couch.  So now you know parents sometimes choose a couch over a bed, but now you may wonder at the distinction between the two. When you sleep in a bed, life makes sense.  If you wake up during the night, you will feel your covers and your squishy pillow and know that all is well, and back to sleep you go.  Such is not the case when sleeping on a couch.  Most likely you'll find yourself waking up from a sleep you had no consent in starting.  You are paralyzed. You feel like a floating head. Where are you? Who are you? Are you dead? No, can't be. Your empty icecream bowl is still within sight.  Surely the afterlife would not have last night's dirty dishes. Now what? Is it even possible to move? And how did that episode of Scrubs end? Guess you'll never know.  Now if you're brave you can crawl into your bedroom and lie awake for awhile sorting out the confusion, or you can just ride out the night on the couch.

2. Running errands vs. Going on a date
"What??!! How do these two things even relate at all?"~You. 
Oh... you must not be a parent yet.  Ok, I'll let you down gently.  Your idea of a date may consist of a lovely quiet candlelit dinner, or a movie, or an energetic evening at your local swing dance joint.  Now don't get me wrong, these kinds of dates do still exist in parent land, but usually not unless it's a big anniversary year. If you don't happen to have a child under 1 1/2.  So you might have to be a bit creative, or seize whatever opportunities arise.  In general the rule is, if there are no kids present, it's a date.  Trips to Target to get diapers while kids are at Grandma's? Yep, date.  Babysitter takes the kids for a walk while you sort through your ballooning storage closet? Oh yes, that's a great date.  There's nothing more relaxing and romantic than sorting through old highschool books and tiny baby paraphernalia while wearing flannel pajama pants and t-shirts on a Saturday morning.

3. Child hitting you vs. Child patting you
Let me tell you, they feel the same, so you can't distinguish between them based on that. And don't go by the child's facial expression either because they often delight in giving you a good wallop. The distinction lies in the location of the blow.  In general, when patting someone, you don't usually give them a forceful "pat" in the neighborhood of the nose, or eyes.  You can be pretty sure that any forceful touch of the face or jugular is a hit.  Pats tend to appear on the back or shoulder, or the occasional thigh. (Especially if the hand is food-covered and your jeans are freshly laundered.)

4.  Going Potty
This is a term for the potty training toddler.  Perhaps no distinction looks necessary.  But I'll just warn you: "Going Potty" does not necessarily include either of those words.  Your toddler may go to the potty and sit there for hours without going at all.  In addition said child may go potty in the bathroom without actually landing it in the potty.  Just be prepared.

5. Bathtub farts vs. Bathtub poops
One is hilarious. One is not.

Ok friends, thanks for reading and studying up on these handy distinctions.  I hope my lessons have educated the young parents or non-parents, and that all veteran parents can share a tearful, pained chuckle.

~MommyMoo

Here's the Baby Lady...

It probably won't surprise you to learn that once you have more than one child, things are little bit more difficult.  Everything takes just a little bit longer to do and you look a little bit more ridiculous doing them.  The number of times I have slowly walked down our steep driveway with a baby in a carseat over one arm while carrying a loaded bag of library books, my purse, a diaper bag, a cup of coffee, and a toddler hand in my other hand--well it's happened just a few too many times.  Or walking up our road with the baby on my back in a backpack and a toddler on my hip...I know I look ridiculous, and I've come to accept that.  But has society?

What I was not prepared for once I had two children was how society's view of me would change.  When you run to the grocery store or post office with a darling baby with you, people will stop you and ooh and ahh.  They will coo at your baby and say some trivial thing to you like "Aren't you lucky--they grow up so fast don't they? How precious..."  And you can leave the conversation with your parent ego ballooning.  But after you have another...the conversation changes.  They still come up to you, oh yes, they do.  But instead of cooing at your children, they direct their comments of worry to you: "Oh my, you have your hands full!"  "I bet they keep you busy, huh!" "Oh sisters! They'll be friends after all those years of fighting!"  Thanks folks.

Last week I was doing my normal jaunt to the grocery store.  With the baby bouncing in a backpack on my back and the toddler holding pints of blueberries in the seat of the cart, I approached the checkout line.  As I was unloading my cart (which mind you, is no easy task) I heard the employee that bags the groceries say to the cashier: "Here's the baby lady!"  I was shocked. Baby lady?  Does having two children really constitute being a "baby lady"?  I think to myself, "Surely not!" I wonder, if someone has two cats, do I consider them a "cat lady"?  Surely an even dozen would more accurately earn the title of "Baby Lady".  I instantly feel as if now I'm some crazy cat/baby lady that carries my meowing children around with me everywhere I go.  People dart across the street to get away from "The Baby Lady".  I'm left with the feeling that society sees one baby as cute and darling, but two is just obscene or crazy.

For some reason having children or being pregnant proclaims to the world that they can walk up to you and say remarkably personal things.  It's frustrating.  And parents and soon-to-be parents, if we listen to all their comments, the human race might cease to exist.  Unfortunately, I don't think this behavior will stop, so I'll just say to you all: Please don't listen to them.  Having more than one child is incredible, fun, difficult and chaotic--and society should be grateful that we're willing to take on such a task!

Parenting Two: Photographers Beware

Hello everyone! First I want to say thanks to everyone for an outstanding response to my last post! Thanks for all your shares and comments on facebook, comments on the post, and finding me in person to say how much you enjoyed it! Now because of that, I have been hiding, afraid to write another post that would surely fall short.  Such a professional response.  And while we are discussing professionalism verses amateurism, let's discuss something about blogs: have you noticed blogging has become a forum for people to share their expertise in photography?  I've been blown away by how many professional quality photographers are out there adding superb photographs to their blogs.  Well, sorry, but you're not going to find that here.  I'm an amateur. And not in the good sense.

To be fair, I think I was a better photographer when I only had one child.

Hey not bad right?  But I hate to tell you parents/photographers, once you have two kids, your photography will take a turn for the worse...

Ah yes.  The girls at Christmas.

You see the trouble is, when you have one, you might snag a time when the child is calm and still, but with two....Well, let me tell you another photographic tale.

The other day my husband and I discovered that the girls have two matching shirts that just happened to be the right sizes for them now.  So yesterday we dressed them alike.  (I know, we became *those* people.)  And of course it was just SO cute I wanted to get a picture of them together.  Ha.  Here's how it went.

Elder daughter: having fun, eyes closed. Younger daughter: on the brink of tears.

The toddler-nearly-strangling-baby shot.  If you have two or more kids, you have many of these shots.

They agree silently to disband.

New location.  Toddler wants to come see the picture on the camera. Baby has employed "fists of rage".

They move fast. Toddler gives up and finds Mommy's keys to play with. Baby begins to scale the photographer.

They think they're so cute.

Now they both climb Mt. Mommy.

"How's your career as a photographer coming along, Mother?"

I can't even stealthily take a quick snap while they're playing.

Toddler amused.  Baby not so.

Hey! They're sort of both smiling!

Good enough for facebook.

~Mommymoo

Losing Your Head Over Parenting: A Photographic Tale

 A picture of Ginny and um....

My last post about parenting books featured a picture of myself and my youngest reading books.  You'll have to take my word that that picture was of me however, because my head was not actually in it.  Last post. This is a common phenomenon once you become a parent.  Let me show you what I mean.

As soon as you have a fetus inside of you, people want to see pictures.  They don't really care about you so much as your growing girth.

That's me.  I know because those are my clothes.

The day the darling babes are born you will have a few pictures of you holding your little raisin in which your hair is a mess and your face features a look of utter exhaustion and joy.  Those will be the last pictures of your head. Quite the note to go out on.  Then when you bring them home from the hospital, all your pictures will look like this:

Where's my head?? I'm pretty sure I had one at some point, but from here on out, I'll just have to have faith because it won't be appearing in any more pictures.

Ah yes, here is us this summer with our new baby pool. I think that's me holding the baby anyway.

And Ginny's first miniature golfing.

Ginny's first boat ride.  Pretty sure that's my husband...

Family trip to Philadelphia.

Playing on the floor.

 Learning to stand.

 Going for a walk. Now you see those shoes? Now I know it's my husband because those have appeared in several other photos.

 Baby bump on me and playing with the toddler.

And playing the piano.

Now sometimes "losing your head" can be spread to other adults in the shot:

 Double whammy.

 Who's who?? You have to rely on knowing your clothing for this one.

 Chin! I see chin!  This brings me to another sect of pictures that feature just a small portion of face.  If you're lucky like me and have a fairly sizable schnoz, it can slip into quite a few pictures:

And the chin again:

Then there are the "phantom hands feeding baby" pictures:

Now to be honest, it's no wonder our heads are missing from many pictures, because let's face it, sometimes it's risky to be in the shot:

 Ouch. The hair-pull.

 Oh man, the lip-pull.

 Ooo, the glasses-pull.

And the worst of all: the ear-pick.

So folks, I don't want you to be too alarmed when you lose your head over parenting.  Sometimes it's for the best. 

Signed,

Mommy-Moo on Parenting Books: It's My Way or the Highway

Note: This is an especially realistic picture because most pictures once you have children will not feature your head.

If you are a parent, are expecting to be a parent, or have ever stood in a long line at a grocery store, chances are you've read some parenting books.  Books on parenting make sense.  They can be great resources for new parents with no good reason to have any prior parenting know-how, or even if you do know a bit about raising children, things come up that you just can't anticipate while that darling bundle is still in utero: Why does baby's diaper look like THAT? Is that spit-up or vomit? You know, worthwhile stuff.  But then there's the other side of parenting books.  The dark side. The "how-dare-you-parent-your-own-way" side.  I hate this side.  Even if I feel great about how things are going raising my own children, there's always some know-it-all schmuck who says I'm doing it wrong.  My supermom feelings are quickly deflated as I read that I'm really not supposed to nurse my babies to sleep, or my toddler really should be potty-trained.  The absolute worst offenders in the parenting book industry are those doctor-parent types.  These writers somehow view themselves as omniscient beings because they have a degree and a couple kids.  I will say that they do have a leg-up in the "What-is-that-rash?" department, but they seem to be lacking in the "How-to-have-a-happy-child" area.

Parenting book authors are also all or nothing types.  If you pick up any two books on parenting, one will probably feature methods of sleep training that involve closing your baby in their room and letting them scream whilst burying your head in a pillow and the other will tell you to take your baby into your own bed and let them nurse all night long.  Where is the middle ground?  You know, reality?  The ground I live on involves setting baby up to self-soothe and then *shriek!* Nevermind...

The feeling I always get when I read parenting books is that if I'm not doing it their way, it's not the right way.
We need books (or blogs?) that allow people to parent their own way.   I'd love to read a book that says "Here are some ideas about parenting" rather than "The Ultimate Guide to Being an A-type Parent".  In this book it would tell you that occasionally nursing your baby to sleep would not actually result in death, or ten tips for not pulling your already thinning hair out while disciplining a toddler. I think that's the most important thing a new parent should be reading up on.  You will not damage your child irrevocably if you choose sleep over self-soothing, or time-outs over self-guided discipline.  Don't let Dr. Mom bully you into subscribing to her method and her method alone. (Side note: remember those early 90's commercials for Dimetapp or was it Robitussin? You know, the ones with Dr. Mom? Anyway...)

This blog anyway will continue to provide you with the realistic humorous gorey details of parenthood rather than "advice". Or you know, when I get around to writing.