How To Hide From Your Baby

See people? This is why you read my blog. You'll learn things that you never know you needed to know. So... hiding from a baby? That sounds a little ridiculous. Let me explain.

I found myself yesterday on my hands and knees behind my bed for about 10 minutes. It occurred to me that you should know how and why I found myself there.

We live in the unfortunate situation of having a one bedroom apartment with one bathroom off of that one bedroom. So anytime one needs to use the bathroom or take a shower while the baby is napping, one must get rather creative. Or on some days when I don't want to risk it, I don't pee until my husband comes home from work at the end of the day. Those are long days.

If we do decide to use the bathroom, there's a certain order of operations that we have to adhere to. Step one: cracking the bedroom door open and peeking to see if the baby is still asleep. If she stirs, ABORT! Any further noise on our part will send the baby into a screaming fit. Screaming fit=no more nap=no bathroom break=very long day.

Step two: tip-toe past the crib into the bathroom with no stirrings from baby. (N.B. Our apartment has hideously creaky old wooden floor boards. My husband asserts that a flat-foot creep actually does more to dissipate the creak, but something in my brain equates tip-toeing with silence, so I can't bring myself to use the, perhaps more successful, flat-foot approach.) If she stirs during step two, we have to dive behind our bed so she doesn't see us. (This is where I found myself yesterday.) If we stay on our hands and knees behind the bed until she falls back asleep, we can then continue on with step two. If we peek too soon to see if she's fallen asleep, it's over, and we have to wait until next nap to pee. Another hiding option is the T-Rex approach. If we can't make behind the bed fast enough, simply diving onto the bed, turning the face away from the crib and holding perfectly still will allow her to fall back asleep without much effort. (N.B. This works better in the evening when her senses are dulled.)

Step three: after a successful peeing, you MUST NOT flush! TMI I know, but the crib is on a shared wall with the bathroom, and you gotta do what you gotta do. (N.B. Courtesy dictates that once the baby has risen, the pee-er must dash into the bathroom and flush before the next visitor.)

Step four: the return trip. Similar to step two, but often the pee-er can dash out of the room and close the door with some baby stir-age and not wake her up. (N.B. Have you ever tried to close a door quickly but quietly? Here's a tip: stuff a cloth diaper between the door and the jam. Also useful on days when you have the windows open which causes the door to blow open and closed constantly. I actually spent a nap period on a breezy day sitting in a chair on my computer next to the door with one hand holding the door shut before I discovered the diaper trick.)

So there you have it. I honestly never thought I'd have to hide from my own child. There are things that no parenting book or doctor could ever prepare you for. I guess that's what I'm here for. Happy Hiding!

Baby Formula

Nope I'm not talking about the breastmilk alternative that stores have to keep in a locked case because it's so ridiculously expensive.

I'm talking about the formula that parents seek to find to achieve baby nirvana.

The sleep formula.

We as parents know that somewhere in the universe exists the perfect baby sleep formula and finding it is God's way of testing our parenting skills. The sleep formula is a set of factors that, when combined in a precise manner, will result in a perfect night's sleep.

Here's what I've learned: If baby has exactly two naps a day--no dozing in between, eats a breakfast of rice cereal and cheerios, a lunch of oatmeal and sweet potato and cheerios, a light dinner of sweet potato but not cereal, goes for a walk during the day that should not last more than half an hour, does not watch her parents' computers or the TV approximately 45 minutes before bed, gets her diaper changed before bed, has a story read during which she turns the pages and does not try to eat them, has a very brief nursing, a song sung to her that shall not exceed three verses, is laid on her back in bed even though ultimately she will turn herself onto her stomach where she will sleep better, and finally, if she is covered with her hand-crocheted blanket and not the thermal one, she will in fact sleep through the night undisturbed.

And in three days the formula will change.

Sometimes I feel like a scientist carefully executing an experiment, or a chef creating a new culinary masterpiece. But I bet scientists and chefs don't have to worry about a baby's late night fart destroying their progress.

The Calm Before the Storm

Parenting Lesson of the Day: Beware the Quiet Baby.

You might think that if your baby is playing quietly then all is well. No, no my misinformed friend. This is not the case.

You might think: "A quiet baby is a happy baby!". Well, that may be true, but happy and "all is well" do not necessarily coincide...

It is not new news that if your child is too quiet, they must be up to something. However, I did not think this applied to babies. Let me enlighten you: it does. My first experience with an all too quiet child was when I was fighting some horrific allergies a few weeks back. The baby was sitting on my lap, contentedly playing with probably some stuffed bug that sings, or a frog that ribbits, a book that crinkles, you know--baby stuff. I was probably on my laptop, most likely fertilizing some crops in Farmville. Then she got quiet. REALLY quiet. Perhaps because my head was in a fog from allergy medicines, or I was trying to become a "Sultan of Seeds" or "Lord of the Plow", I didn't look down at her for, I don't know, a few seconds? The damage was done. She had nabbed my box of tissues and had managed to pull out an enormous pile in front of her with one already becoming her mid-day snack. Like a summer's eve tornado, the storm came quickly and left quickly with an eerie silence, but left a trail of destruction for miles.

You would think I learned my lesson.

Skip forward a week or so. The allergies had passed. (Though, I'm still working on using up the pile of tissues she"freed" from the box...) My head should have been clearer, right? The baby was sitting next to me on the couch. We were playing again, I looked away, and--silence. I looked back. Maybe a second had passed. And she has grabbed my cell phone and begun picking at and sucking on the silicone cover. I didn't even know my cell phone was anywhere in a five foot radius! Baby-nado had struck again.

Ah, reader. You now think to yourself that she has learned her lesson from the tissue-twister and then the Baby-nado. Sure, she should have learned after the first time, but it was good she experienced the second storm to ensure that she never trusts the eerie baby silence again.

Wrong.

Skip forward in time to this evening. I was attempting to feed the baby her daily solid food regime of "Tastes-like-cardboard" rice and "Really?-I-didn't-know-vegetables-could-be-that- consistency" carrots. The baby scoffed at my rice after only a half spoonful (and that half spoonful she ended up spitting back out onto her face). I resigned and headed to the kitchen to prepare the carrots. She was content to play quietly in her high-chair. Of course kids are always content to "play quietly"! Duh! Playing quietly is universally acknowledged as the time when most kids get into trouble! I should realize by now as my figurative barns have already been leveled by Baby-nado twice before. So what happened?

The baby, in a matter of probably about a half a minute this time, somehow summoned my checkbook to her high-chair and stuffed it in her ricey mouth. Rice had already made its way in between the checks and adhered them to themselves. (Baby rice is sticky stuff.) So the next few checks I write are going to have baby's signature on them too. As I am writing this, I still have no idea how she got the checkbook...

The storm came and went so quickly. It was barely enough time to even process the fact that the baby was being extra quiet. But Baby-nado had plenty of time to leave a trail of destruction behind like acres of corn torn from the torrential wind of a twister.

The Fabulous Life of the Minimum Wage Parent

Recently I have been reading some wonderful parenting books about how to embrace motherhood and enjoy a full-time parenting career. These authors have created easy to read and digest memoirs of the joys and spiritual journeys of being a parent.

But there's just one problem. They're all doctors, famous journalists, TV news anchors, etc. I find while I can relate to them as mothers, I don't really relate to them as women. They all affirm what an easy decision it was to become a full-time mother while feeling sorry for their career hungry girl friends who crave their fast paced lives on Wall Street or Capitol Hill. Do I even know any mothers who have any idea what's going on on Wall Street on a day to day basis? Where is Capitol Hill anyway?

Of course the decision to be a full-time mother was easy for them. All of them have husbands who have careers that pay more than perhaps even their own brushing-with-the-rich-and-famous faboo jobs. They didn't have to consider whether or not they'd have food on the table if they were to quit there jobs.

I left a part-time minimum wage job to become a full-time parent and move to a new state. At the time I made the decision, my husband was a new college graduate without a job. He eventually did get a job at a theater in the Philadelphia area making peanuts. But we could live on peanuts. Even when after two months of working at the theater, he was let go because in this horrid economy the theater couldn't afford to have a full-time props master, I didn't decide that I'd become the wage earner in the family. We would just live on even less than peanuts.

The point is, both myself and these authoresses made the decision to become full-time mommies, but from very different backgrounds. And yet, the decision was still easy to make. Even though we had *just* enough food and money to get by, I never second guessed my decision. Do those TV anchors have any friends who have lived on spaghetti for two weeks to stretch out their grocery store trips? Where are the journalists that know people who know what it's like to be on Medicaid? Where are the books by these women?

So here I am to give you that perspective. It *is* an easy decision to make to become a full-time parent. I'll tell you, spaghetti is good stuff, even after a week or so! Getting enrolled with Medicaid was one of the most frustrating things I've had to do-mainly because no one I spoke to spoke English! Sometimes you won't have rent on time, but you'll be surprised how lenient people can be. Babies can be expensive, but for a long time, all they do is nurse and poop, so you really only need to buy diapers.

While I do work a few hours a week (I get to bring Ginny with me), I don't *need* it for any self-fulfillment. Being a parent is fulfilling enough. And it doesn't really add to our finances much, I just do it for fun. If you are trying to decide whether or not you can "afford" to be a full-time parent, do it. These paid-the-big-bucks-to-write-mommy-memoirs ladies can't tell you that. It is tough to live on next to nothing and sometimes nothing, but you will NEVER regret it.

The Orange Badge of Parenthood

Parenting Lesson of the Day: Always check your ears for dried sweet potato *before* leaving for work.

I was settling down to feed my daughter after work, and an itch happened upon my ear. So, not to delay the agony, I scratched it. And while the itch was removed, so was a blob of dried sweet potato, the shrapnel from Ginny's breakfast experimentation. Paranoia set in. Did anyone at work notice? Of course it was the day that a member of the board was coming to observe us at work. I wonder, if they did notice, what they thought it was? Ear wax?? Or would they assume correctly that it was some badge of new-parenthood that decorated my ear.

The badge was clearly donned this morning when Ginny decided to blow a raspberry on her spoon full of sweet potato. No big deal, feeding a baby new food is going to be messy. But for parents that must raise a child and work outside of the home, how do we prepare ourselves for appearances in civilization? If food shows up on ears, where else must one check? I can't do a body scan every time I step outside.

So parents, the only option is: Wear the badge with courage and defiance! I *will* saunter around in society with blobs of food all over my body! Take that board members, grocery store cashiers, and post office clerks!

Baby...What's the Word?

Above Picture--Ginny: "Hmm..."

"I have a really bad case of baby...."
"What?"
"Hmm? Sorry, was I saying something?"

The above is not huge exaggeration of how my brain works on a day to day basis. Somewhere during my second trimester of pregnancy, I developed a bad case of "Pregnancy Brain". If your not familiar with this condition, it's when your brain turns to absolute mush. I'll give you an example: All during my pregnancy I worked at a library. One of my duties was to go outside and empty the book-drop and help check all the books in. I did this every day, several times. One morning I was heading out and I was telling my co-worker where I was going, "I'm taking the...things you unlock with..." she replied, "Keys?" "Right keys, to get all the..." "Books?" "Right books!" She chuckled: "Ah pregnancy brain! Don't worry it will go away in...20 years". I laughed. She smiled. Wait--was she being serious??

Now my daughter is six months old and my brain is still a blob of ooze for all I can tell. Some time, in the darkness of night I am sure, my pregnancy brain was switched with baby brain! I can rarely finish a sentence (that is, when I can even remember that I am speaking), or call to mind things I know (like that really big country in South America--you know the one that starts with "Br" something...). I've never felt so stupid! Anyone would find it hard to believe I ever knew anything at all! Luckily I have a couple of... those paper things that you get when you graduate that say you graduated with... something.

While baby brain can be hilarious, I'll be honest, it's *really* frustrating-for me and my husband who never knows what I'm talking about. (How can he? I don't!) I've discovered it's one of those things about parenting that you need to keep a sense of humor about or else you'll be cursing that "big South American country" everyday. Here's what I've learned: You're a parent. You don't need your brain right now. Yes that seems ridiculous. But think about it. Your baby needs to be loved and cared for. Your instincts will tell you how to accomplish that, not your factual knowledge. My daughter could really care less about how many countries of the world I can name--though, I'm getting better! Thanks Sporcle.com!--What she cares about is being loved by her parents. I don't have to speak in complete sentences to do that.

So maybe in 20 years or so, I'll be able to have a normal conversation again without someone having to remind me that I am in fact speaking. Until then, well, it's just not my priority.

A Spoonful of Cereal...

A spoonful of cereal makes the...spirit go down?

Today Ginny had her first taste of big people food. And she gobbled it up! My little baby has entered a new and exciting phase of life. "Real" food.

So why do I feel a little disappointed?

My previous posts have been about the hilarity and fun times of having a baby around. But today I think I encountered the first bittersweet moment of parenthood. When my daughter starts to gain a little independence from me. Up until now, I provided her with all the nutrition she needed! Thinking about it makes me a little teary even as I am typing this post. And by "a little teary" I mean my face is snotty and there's a pile of tissues by my laptop.

I am very proud of Ginny for loving to learn about new things and her new enjoyment of food. But now I realize that the days of her snuggling up to me to eat are numbered. I was thinking today that there must be special angels that are around mothers and babies during nursing, and that as a baby is weaned, those angels draw away. Part of the sadness of a baby being weaned may be the loss of those heavenly angels. Then it made me wonder, I bet the Lord can relate. There are times in our lives when we happily follow the Lord like little children, but we need to feel independent--we need to make our own decisions. It's part of our growth as people. I wonder how He feels? Is it like this? He's happy we're becoming our own people, capable of truly loving Him--but maybe a little sad to be losing our total innocence? Babies too need independence from their mothers as part of their growth as individuals. (Another tissue on the pile.)

So who knew one measly bowl of rice cereal could do this to a person? I should write Gerber and complain.

My apologies for providing you with a bittersweet parenting post. But I *did* promise I would give you a realistic view of parenthood... I promise-- more gassy baby stories next time!